I think this might be verging on wallowing now

I'm still somewhere in my own thoughts somewhat. I have been trying to be more forgiving to myself over my failure to do my application but I can't stop telling myself how stupid I've been.

 

I haven't even checked the local paper for jobs yet, and I'm worried that I will never find that confidence again and end up back in some dead end job that I really don't enjoy. Cause I hated my last proper job before I had madam. It wasn't me. Didn't stretch me. Didn't make me happy.

 

And I'm not fool enough to expect to be rapturously happy at all times in whatever job I end up. Because there will always be good and bad days. But I would like to feel content for a larger portion of the time than I feel rubbish. I don't think (other than my first job, which was actually just mucking about with ice cream) I've ever achieved that.

 

I'm also fed up of feeling so miserable about myself. Of thinking about all my faults and feeling like I am ridiculously selfish. I am a bit worried I'm going to drown in my own bullsh*t.

 

My mum and dad are going on holiday today and I am suddenly aware of how lonely I'm going to be without them. I spend quite a lot of my spare time with them. Friday tea, Saturday lunch and all day Sunday in fact. And I do groceries with them on Monday mornings. We usually see them on a Weds afternoon and, whilst I've been at college, madam has had tea with them on Thursdays. So actually, the only day we don't see them is a Tuesday.

 

I might as well still live with them!

 

No, I really don't want to live with them any more. I did that for long enough before I got married. And I even did it for a short while after we did get married. I can't imagine my dad would last five minutes with madam full time! And he certainly wouldn't be the pushover with her that he is now! Though I have noticed recently that he's toughened up a bit!

 

You know, the last time my head was this messed up was the last time I spent a period of time with himself. I don't understand why I still let him make me feel so bad. And yet he still holds a draw for me. I still let him... *sighs* *makes another resolution not to let him back in my head*

 

So tell me something nice, what are you all doing? I don't want to keep obsessing, please help distract me...